Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
I agree though, his intact virginity is truly the tragedy of the century.
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
Randomize
