I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
Of course I fucked him. He was wearing a rainbow cock sock and cowboy boots.
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
We left him in some bushes a few blocks down toward campus. Did he find his way home?
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
