I wish you could order shots online.
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
Using manwich sauce as ketchup. Not bad. Love college.
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
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