So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
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