my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
My neck kind of hurts. I think from sleeping on the concrete.
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
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