Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
Randomize
