wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
From what I remember I had fun, until I threw up, and lost my shoes..
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
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