You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
I have only been here for a week and might contributed to a dumpster fire on accident.
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