Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
Just saw the pics from the bachelor party. When the hell did we go to southie. And why was there a chicken in the limo..? You guys really are my best friends.
Randomize
