I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
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