God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
Randomize
