and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
she takes plan B like it's going out of style
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
Randomize
