I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
Randomize