so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
Her eyes are really red like she jus got out of the hospital and shes coughing ...80 ppl at her school do have swine flu dude
So your saying just a blow job?
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
Sudue. BIG CUP LOTS OF NOMNOMD TUOSPY
If she has AMC, I may have to fuck her today. I want to catch up on the walking dead.
Are you considering all the consequences of doing your boss or are you just rationalizing with your vagina?
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
Randomize
