Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
I don't care who it's from we're getting blown. It's a 3 day weekend anything can happen
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
Randomize
