i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
Randomize
