Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
How do you feel about the band name "O'labia Newton John"??
We aren't going to mix hockey and sex texts tonight.
I totally agree. all sexting is on hold till after the games over.
Playoffs. This shit is serious.
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
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