Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
Some asshole just brought BK into my summer class, im already high as hell, i did not need another way to not pay attention
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
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