I murdered the dance floor call the cops
what, no i told him that it wasnt nessesary to put all 5 fingers in my vagina
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
is wine microwaveable?
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
