K, im just throwing this out there, i am not making out with any of his friends... Especially the cross eyed one.
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
Randomize
