I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
you would pick up someone in the library
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
Its ok. I handled the situation with grace and class. lol jk i got shitfaced and fucked his roomate.
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
Randomize
