mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
We are lost. Everyone is drunk and it all went downhill after we iced the bus driver.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
I remember tearing his shower curtain down but I don't remember trying to shave my vag...
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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