Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
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