If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
Randomize
