I puked a lego.
If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
Today in psych we learned that you are a whore.
Me specifically?
Yep.
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
If I don't have the money by then, I'll pay you in sex.
It's going to be 23.5 times of sex and 19 blow jobs. I just googled it.
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
