well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
shotgunning beer in rite aid bathroom. hurry
SKIIIIIIIIIIII, trip mo foes! Let-ith the epic- ness begin ith. Heroes go forth, nAy Sayers fuckin die. This is for the good of mankind! See you on the morrow
Apologies to the number who did not expect to get this but certainly be jealous of us.
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
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