One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
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