I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
dude so we were eating nacho cheese popcorn and chasing it with cole slaw
by the way nacho cheese popcorn is me making popcorn and then adding milk butter and mac n cheese mix
I checked into jail on foursquare
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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