i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
I'm seriously considering refraining from drinking on school nights.
I like how you say that with 4 school days left of the school year..
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
Randomize
