Yeah and Nick is shooting his loaded 9mm in his backyard.
I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
well theres no bloody mary mix at the campus bookstore so i dont even know what its good for
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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