shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
Just threw the poptarts. Sgits boutta go Down. 1 liter of wine
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
Can't talk, ducks in the car
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
Randomize
