can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
her bf's celebrating 10 yrs of service at kfc...it's safe to say all the good men are taken
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
just reminessing about the wedding and were they seriously to tight to serve a meal oorrrrrr was it just another one of my black-out-by-dinner drunks
the fact that you actualy have a 'black-out-by-dinner drunk' is a bit deserving..
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
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