I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
Just curious... Do you still have the cocks bracelet? You know, the one we pass around to whoevers been the biggest slut recently?
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
congratulations on joining the accidental bisexual club
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
Dude, what the hell where you thinking last night
Welllllll basically they were like "challenge" and I was like "accepted"
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
