How fat would you say she has to be before I can consider this a threesome
so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
Randomize
