Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
Ok just saw a girl open a pillbox, dump it out on her notebook and count out 13 adderall tabs and put them in a baggie and leave. Oh hey college.
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
I have now added draft and wells specials that different bars have to my blackberry calendar.. Help me.
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
She has no problem going ass to mouth, but won't eat the pizza crust. I don't get it.
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
Randomize
