worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
Randomize
