there is no way he can be that small
look on the bright side he'll over comepensate
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
I don't think she can come out, she went too hard in the Intro to Theater Drinking Game at 2:30
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
ALL I WANT IN MY MOUTH IS A GLORIOUS COCK SMOTHERED IN CHOCOLATE. DICK AND CHOCOLATE; IS IT TOO MUCH FOR A GIRL TO ASK FOR?!
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
Randomize