Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
