Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
Goodbye hot boy in my geo class...goodbye my lover, goodbye my friend. you have been the one, you have been the reason I came to claassss
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
Randomize