you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
just had sex in the back of my high school auditorium #dreamcumtrue
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
Randomize
