My nipple is on Facebook.
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
He made me a mix cd. There is obviously something wrong with him.
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Randomize