i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
He literally asked permission to hit on me
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
Randomize
