Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
AIM automatically accepts video chats on my laptop. I found this out when I got a text from Jacob after my first attempt at drunk lesbian sex saying, "I'd give it a 7. You need to work on your positioning." I think I'm single now.
At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
I completely forgot about the posting of partying pics shortly after adding my gma my dad was like grandma says your all over fb but she doesn't know how to use it. Of course I'm all over her fb. She's got 6 friends I am her newsfeed
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
Randomize
