i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
I have no morals, kinda like you have no standards
None
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
Randomize
