I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
doing a bong hit while wearing crest white strips...not such a great idea...
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
If you've never been pounded by an Eastern European body builder, I would highly recommend it.
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
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