You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
Share, now.
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
Randomize
