The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
party gras won. party gras always wins.
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
I BLEED THE BLOOD OF MY ANCESTORS WHO FOUGHT SO BRAVELY FOR MY FREEDOM
cool u want pads or tampons
tampons please
Randomize