this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
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