The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
