Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
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