She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
i just wanted have a romantic star gaze moment with him. untill he let out a massive fart.
Randomize
