you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
know what turns me on? long, stringy hair on a pasty looking girl with an overstuffed backpack and kneepads over her jeans in case she falls off her scooter
your less of a man for seeing that
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
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