dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
Randomize
