I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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