whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
Inquiring minds want to know if your Bf is circumcised
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
