My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
10 dollar pizza all the toppings you want. Wait Until You See This Pizza
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
I just found a bag of teeth...
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
I think our camping neighbours like us. We're the drunk girls trying to chop firewood with no pants on at 3 in the afternoon.
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Randomize
