My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
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