I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
note: just because the casino is called bourbon street, it doesn't mean you can puke and keep walking and no one will care. chalk me up for another 86
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Randomize
