i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
there are people swimming in the fountain next to the library... hello senior week
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
Lets just say that a certain piercing set off certain alarms when I went thru the airport detector/scanner thingie. David was high fived like 12 times.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
