Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
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