a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
it was the worst sex ever in the history of sex. i mean ever. and he thought he was great. actually told me he was the best id ever had...what was i supposed to say? lol...i've had better times by myself. seriously.
I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
I'm just more comfortable with the bondage
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
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