I kind of feel like guidos are mythical creatures.
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
Randomize