my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
begin the sex magic rocket ship countdown
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
My tits, and hanging out behind a hotel eating pizza.
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
Randomize
